Ya Got Trouble
by A. Zap
Summary: If Stan wants to sell a kids' band to the folks of Gravity Falls, he needs to discover what terrible trouble he has to save them from. And if there is no trouble… Well, Stan isn't above stirring up some for the sake of his con. Music Man AU. Stanuary Week 1: Con.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Gravity Falls or any of its character nor do I own The Music Man or any of its music. I'm just a poor grad student.**

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Ya Got Trouble

"So," Stan asked as he and Soos settled on a bench in the town square, right beside the statue of the original Northwest, "What sort of trouble goes on around here?"

Soos laughed. "Nothing ever happens here, Mr. Pines." He gestured around to the people going about their daily lives. "It'll be hard to make your usual magic here."

"Hmmm." Stan drummed his fingers. It was true that selling bands could be hard enough as it was. Though it was mostly good Soos said the only musically inclined people in town were a crackpot inventor and one of his two wards, it also made things more difficult for him as it meant that there was no interest for what he was selling.

At least no interest at the moment.

"I'll just have to make some trouble then." Stan decided. He scanned the charming storefronts that peppered the Main Street. "Are you sure there's nothing new here?"

"Well," Soos thought for a moment, "I guess there is a pool table being put into the billiard parlor."

Stan felt a familiar grin tugging at his lips. "And you've never had a pool table before?" He looked over at the billiard parlor. Already, there seemed to be a group of kids crowded around the window trying to peek at the new game.

"Nope. Only billiards."

"Now that, I can work with." Stan clapped his hands together and rose to his feet. "Sit back and watch the magic Soos."

"Aye-aye, Mr. Pines." Soos saluted him as he walked off.

Stan approached the local diner where its head waitress, "Lazy" Susan from what the passing people were calling her, was outside sweeping the front steps. Not only was the diner in a prime spot right off the town square, but everyone knew that if you wanted news and gossip to travel fast, you went to the local diner and its workers.

"Are you Ms. Susan?" Stan politely asked, giving her a charming grin.

"Why, yes; yes, I am." Lazy Susan replied, turning to him with a welcoming smile. "What can I do for you, handsome?"

"Well, I was just wondering if someone as smart looking as you," Susan giggled at his words, but Stan forged on, "had any idea of the caliber of disaster indicated by the presence of a pool table in your community?"

She blinked at him. "The pool table?" Her words attracted the attention of passers-by.

Perfect.

"Well, ya got trouble, my friend," Stan slung an arm around her a led her closer towards the square, others beginning to trail after them, "trouble right here in Gravity Falls.

"Why I myself am a billiard player, always mighty proud to say. Some of my best times have been pure gold." And another way to scam people, but that was besides the point. "It helps you develop a good eye, keep your cool, gain good judgement, brains, and maturity."

Stan could see some of the men in the crowd nodding along, obviously billiard players themselves. And now that there was some common ground, he could go for the kill.

"But pool? Why anyone can take a ball and shove it in a pocket, am I right?" Susan looked a bit lost, and he backed off, now that he had a crowd to address. "Why that's just sloth, practically the first step on a path of broken promises, broken dreams, and disappointment. First, it'll be medicinal wine from a teaspoon, then beer from a bottle!" Several parents gasped at this. Ah, yes, the perfect people who'd want to protect the little ones at all costs.

Stan kept up the show of concern, revealing the slippery slope the town was on. "And the next thing ya know, your son is playing for money in a pinch-back suit. And listening to some big, out-of-town Jasper, hearing him tell about horse race gambling." Upon seeing some of them begin to relax, he clarified. "Not a wholesome, trottin' race, no! But race where they sit down right on the horse!" Cue horrified gasps. "Like to see some stuck-up jockey boy sittin' on Dan Patch? Makes your blood boil, well, I should say!

"Now, folks, let me tell you what I mean," Stan waved them closer and their eyes followed his hands like an orchestra followed the conductor's baton as he gestured them to paint the picture. "You've got one, two, three, four, five, six pockets in a table. Pockets that'll mark the difference, between a gentleman and a bum, with a capital "B" and that rhymes with "P" which stands for pool!"

He pointed at the pool hall and he saw folks eyes widen in horror at how things were already starting as they took in the kids outside of it.

"And all week long, the Gravity Falls youth will be fritterin' away, noontime, suppertime, choretime! After all, they gotten get the ball in the pocket, nevermind getting dandelions pulled, or the screen door patched, or the beefsteak pounded. Nevermind pumpin' any water until you all finally notice that the cistern is empty on a Saturday and that's trouble." The anxiety was growing more and more. "We've got lots and lots of trouble. I'm thinking of the kids in the knickerbockers, shirt-tailed young'uns peeking in the pool hall window hall after school. We've got trouble, folks, right here in Gravity Falls! Trouble with a capital "T" which rhymes with "P" and that stands for pool."

The crowd was getting restless, giving each other the side eye, glancing worriedly at the billiard hall and its new pool table. Stan figured he could ramp things up one more time before driving the final nail home.

"Now, I'm sure you all are the right kind of parents." He got several nods at that. "Can I be perfectly frank about what sort of conversations are going on outside that hall?" And with each revelation, he got more gasps and he swore he saw one lady actually faint. "They're trying out Bevos, tryin' out cubebs, tryin' out tailor-mades like cigarette fiends! And bragging about how they're going to cover up a tell-tale breath with sen-sen.

"And one fine night, they'll leave the pool hall, heading for the dance at the armory. Libertine men and Scarlet women, and Ragtime!" Some woman definitely fainted at that. "Shameless music that'll grab your son and your daughter in the arms of a jungle animal instinct! Masteria! Friends the idle brain is the devil's playground!"

That was the final straw. The crowd broke out into a frenzy. There were shouts of "Trouble!" and "We have to keep the young ones moral after school!" clanging through the air. Parents clutched at their children and the edges of panic began to creep in.

If Stan wasn't in the middle of his bit, he would have grinned. And he realized that he should dial things back a bit if he didn't want a mob one his hands.

"Mothers of Gravity Falls," Stan's voice boomed out over them, easily taking the lead. The shouts dropped to a murmur. "Heed this warning before it's too late! Watch for the tell-tale signs of corruption! Does your son rebuckle his knickerbockers the moment he leaves the house, below the knee? Is that a nicotine stain on his index finger? A dime novel hidden in the corn crib? Are certain words creeping into his conversation? Words like, like 'swell'," several gasped again, "or 'your old man?'"

Some parents were already checking their kids for nicotine stains and dime novels.

"If so, my friends, then you've got trouble, right here in Gravity Falls!" Shouts of agreement came at Stan and so he decided to finish things here. "Trouble with a capital "T" which rhymes with "P" and that stands for "Pool!" Be careful, folks!"

With those final words, he slipped away, the crowd still buzzing about trouble, the pool table, and how they just had to find something to keep the kids otherwise occupied. No one even noticed him leaving.

His job was over for now.

Stan grinned as he watched the chaos he had unleashed.

"Wow, Mr. Pines." Soos popped up beside him. "That was amazing! You truly know how to touch the hearts of men."

Stan chuckled. "I certainly know how to spin a good yarn." He admitted and he rubbed his hands together in anticipation.

These folks were some of the dumbest he'd ever come across. This con was going to be smoother than butter.

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 _AN: Based on the song "Ya Got Trouble" from the Music Man. Can you watch this and seriously tell me that you don't see Stan doing this?_

 _www .youtube watch?v=LI_Oe-jtgdI_

 _So I love The Music Man; it's my favorite musical and I've been in it four times. And a while ago I came up with an idea of a Gravity Falls version of this musical starring everyone's favorite conman Stan as Harold Hill. My version didn't have the romance element like the real one does for Gravity Falls (I do have a main post about this on my Tumblr), but I always meant to write something for it. Seeing as this week's theme was con, I felt it was the perfect opportunity to show Stan beginning his con by stirring up trouble. And if you follow the link for the song, it's pretty clear that Stan could easily pull this off._

 _Also, isn't letting me upload works to the Doc manager right now, which is why there's no link to it for that. I'll edit it in once I'm able to get it there._


End file.
